To My Sweet Boy

As you tumble head first into your third year of life, I can’t help but think about the adorable, sweet, sensitive little guy you have become. From the squinchy faced, fussy mouthed babe during that first year, to the hilarious little monkey boy we have today, you have changed so much. I will never forget the absolute terror I felt in November of 2010, when doctors told me I was losing the little baby inside of me. I struggled to cope, and couldn’t sleep at night, wondering why me? Why you? But little man, days passed and there you stayed, continuing to grow and fight on. Those days turned into weeks, which turned into months, and on June 13, 2011, my little fighter bounded into the world, right on your due date. Little did I know, the first year of your life would be the very hardest of mine, struggling with sleepless months, a grumpy two year old girl, paralyzing anxiety in social situations, and the never ending nursing that comes with a baby. As each of those things compounded and grew, they all joined forces to become postpartum depression, and thoughts of failure flooded my brain. I never felt like I was what you deserved in a mommy, that what I was giving you could be better in some way.

But we grew together, son, and you taught me so much. We pulled through that year together, and here we are, having just celebrated your second birthday. You are such a sweet little boy, always leaning in to give me pretend hugs on FaceTime, and blowing me sweet little kisses over the phone. It always blows my mind when I realize that time and time again, you and your big sister are the ones who have taught me and continue to teach me life’s greatest lessons. You’ll be much older when you read this one day, surely well into adult hood, but I hope you realize, even then, the wonderful impact you had on me right from the beginning, handsome boy. We learned together. We grew together. You are Mama’s little boy, and I imagine you always will be. Enjoy being two, little man, and go forth, full speed ahead, into your third year of life. Mama loves you, always.

April 10, 2013

My little man,

You are such a sweet, little cuddle bug and I miss you so much. I know things are confusing for you because you're much too small to understand why Mama and Daddy are hardly ever with you at the same time. I can't imagine how difficult it is in your innocent 22 month old brain to always be saying goodbye to Mama and Daddy, but one day, sweet baby, I hope you won't have to do that anymore. You are such a gentle little boy, and you make Mama so proud with all of the colors, shapes, and letters that you already know. Sometimes I miss staying at home with you all day long, but I think school has brought out your personality so much, and I can see you growing from a little baby into a handsome little boy. I hope you always know that Mama and Daddy would do anything in the world for you and your big sister, even when sometimes it might be the hardest thing we've ever done. You, my little man, and your sister, are worth every difficult decision we've ever made. I will never forget that we almost lost you, and I am so grateful I still get to feel your little boy love from almost 800 miles away. I love you, monkey, so very much.

Mama


"Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams"